Mental Fears

The year is 2015. December 2015. It is almost ended and 2016 is almost here. I’m a year older than I was last year and a step ahead  educationally. And that scares me.
I remember, my final year in SHS and the excitement I felt that I was leaving a community that was strict and full of rules to one that was independent. But I was also scared (although the excitement overshadowed the fear) because like my mother always says, growing goes with responsibility and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.

A lot of things have changed since then. I, in fact we all aren’t the same as we were a few years ago no matter how much we try to convince others and then ourselves (albeit unconsciously) that we are. The passage of time and happenings of life have made sure of that. We may have lost someone we love either through life’s processes or our ego (you can call it personal foolishness) or through deliberate decisions.

Two years on and I am even more scared. Excited, though but this time more scared than excited. The reason? In a year and a half I’ll be graduating from university and going into the working world and I am not sure I’m ready. I know, you might be thinking isn’t this a little too early to be worrying about this?Well, the final results of the fresh batch of graduates came in. There were only two first classes, both of them ladies. And a number of third classes, possibly through no fault of theirs(our grading system changed so yeah). Making an 80 to get an A is no child's play. I see the ‘freshers’ and second years and wish I were in their shoes. As if the time matters. See, I’ve come to realize that the time doesn’t really matter as much as what you do with it. We all have 24 hours in a day. Not all of us are productive with it. We are given four years for university education. Yet some manage to earn third classes and even passes while others make first classes and second class uppers. Whose fault is that?

And I’m also wondering after national service what next? With a class where you can’t get a job (although people try to convince us that the class doesn’t really matter) what are your options? And what if with the first class or second class upper and all you aren’t able to perform on the job? These are just a few of the stuff that scares me. Will I be able to withstand the pressure of a working environment? Will I be a good team player? Will I be good at my job? Will my superiors like me? Would I even get a job, in the first place? And if I do would it be based on my merits or because of someone I know who knows me?
Sometimes I think I’ve just been too sheltered – I’m not saying I don’t appreciate my parents’ and their efforts. I’m just saying I probably should have tried harder to break free and explore (in a good way) because they can only guide me. In the end, I live my life myself. As do we all.

Anyway, I’m done ranting. I get so sentimental these days, I wish I knew why. This is just one of the stuff that runs around in my head and makes my heart thump just thinking about it. But I know I’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine. Cheers to the unknown future. It's a good thing the fear can't show in my eyes.